Today's Absurd Political Predictions

"In a bold response to the recent ISS astronaut medical evacuation, Senator Bernie Sanders has proposed a radical new policy to ensure astronaut safety: the construction of a fully-staffed, orbiting hospital the size of a small moon, funded by taxing the top 1% of space rocks. Dubbed "Medicare for All in Orbit," this interstellar healthcare utopia would include zero-gravity surgery suites, a cosmic pharmacy, and a 24/7 alien therapist hotline for homesick astronauts. Sanders insists this is just the beginning, advocating for a galactic Green New Deal to install solar-powered treadmills on every asteroid for astronaut fitness. He passionately declared, “If we can send billionaires to space for fun, we can send a hospital up there for justice!”"

"In light of softer-than-expected wholesale inflation and booming retail sales, Senator Cory Booker has proposed a groundbreaking new policy to ensure economic equity: the "National Inflation Hug Initiative." Under this plan, every American will be required to personally hug a grocery item of their choice daily to "emotionally stabilize" prices, claiming that the power of love can curb inflation more effectively than any Federal Reserve policy. To boost consumer spending further, Booker insists the government will deploy "Retail Therapy Drones" to shower shoppers with glitter and motivational affirmations at checkout lines nationwide. This, he assures, will not only skyrocket economic confidence but also make shopping a federally mandated spa day for the soul!"

"In a bold response to Citigroup’s surprisingly low loan loss provisions, Senator Sherrod Brown has proposed a groundbreaking new policy: mandating that all big banks relocate their headquarters to literal Main Street—specifically, a single, tiny cul-de-sac in rural Ohio, to ensure they prioritize everyday Americans over Wall Street profits. Under this plan, dubbed "Operation Sidewalk Accountability," CEOs like Jane Fraser must personally sweep the street daily while wearing sandwich boards listing their latest financial decisions for public scrutiny. To further protect consumers, Brown insists that any bank restructuring, like Citigroup’s overseas sell-offs, must first be approved by a town hall of local diner patrons armed with veto power over espresso. This, Brown claims, will finally make Wall Street “walk the walk”—literally."

"In response to the recent medical evacuation of an ISS astronaut, Senator Marco Rubio has proposed an outrageously ambitious plan to ensure American dominance in space by constructing a fully operational "Star-Spangled Space Hospital" on the Moon by 2027, complete with a drive-thru pharmacy for lunar tourists. Rubio insists this mega-hospital, funded by a trillion-dollar public-private partnership with intergalactic fast-food chains, will not only provide top-tier healthcare for astronauts but also serve as a patriotic beacon of freedom against "space socialism." He further declared that every American citizen will receive a complimentary moon rock with their hospital stay, solidifying the U.S. as the universe’s premier healthcare destination."

"In response to the softer-than-expected wholesale inflation and booming retail sales, Senator Rand Paul has proposed a bold new policy to eliminate inflation once and for all by banning the use of money entirely, returning America to a barter system of chickens and shiny rocks. He argues that if the government can’t print money, inflation will vanish overnight, and the surge in retail sales proves Americans are ready to trade their gadgets for a good rooster. To ensure fairness, Paul suggests appointing a National Chicken Valuation Committee to set daily exchange rates for poultry, with a backup plan to use glitter as currency during holiday shopping spikes. This, he claims, is the ultimate free-market solution to keep the economy “clucking along.”"

"In a bold move to protect the sanctity of American family values, former Vice President Mike Pence has proposed a new federal policy to ban all reality TV shows featuring mothers engaging in any form of deceit, citing Donna Kelce’s “devious” antics on “The Traitors” as a direct threat to maternal morality. Under this absurdly strict “Mom Integrity Act,” any parent caught scheming on national television will be required to attend a mandatory 6-month “Honesty Boot Camp” run by Pence himself, complete with daily sermons on truthfulness delivered via carrier pigeon. To ensure compliance, Pence also plans to install “Truth Cameras” in every American home, programmed to detect even the slightest fib about who ate the last cookie. This over-the-top crusade, Pence claims, will restore the nation’s moral fiber, one unscripted betrayal at a time."